PRAYER

Psalms 5:1-3 "Give ear to my words, O Lord; give heed to my sighing. Listen to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you i pray. O Lord in the morning you hear my voice; in the morining i pleasd my case to you and watch.

prayer helps me get goin. this week has been ok, well for some point i was miserable, sad and lonely. i feel so depressed most of the time. except when im working. i tried my best to be as busy as i can be. but when bedtime comes, lonely thoughts floods my mind. i cant sleep. but i thank God that somehow he still reminds me that there's always hope. i could always pray and talk to Him. sometimes he uses people too to remind us that we are not alone. when i feel down, all i can do is to pray. and i thank God for the priveledge of prayer. there's always a power in prayer.

i pray that everyone will have a great and safe weekend. ^^

run away from sadness

its my day off from work today, i get to sleep late and i get to run around the neighborhood. i was bored but i try to keep myself busy. i downloaded some songs while im tryin to exercise. LOL. its weird but i wanted to go to work today, so i would be busier. bein at home all day depresses me. since my schedule has been changed, i dont have time to jog every afternoon except thursdays and fridays. so today, i was happy that i could go jog again. running makes me hyper. it gives me the runners high for a while. but in the end, sadness always catches me. but still, i keep on going. i always go by the train tracks. it makes me feel better inside. it reminds me that there's always a way out. i know there's a way out for me too. i hope someday i'll get there. i hope soon.

i tried...




i tried renting a feel good/comedy/new released american film but i always end up renting foreign and indie films. hows that. i dunno whats uo with me. nothin seems to interests me. well, yeah i would watch any movies as long as im wit friends, but when im alone, usually watch indie films, documentaries and some foreign films. many people finds it boring. maybe im boring. i have the movie "the page turner" today, its a french phsychological tailer. i like it, its a very good film. well, atleast for me... i dunno. horror movies are not my thing right now. i think im scared to watch horror films alone. i remember back in toronto, me and my friends loves to watch horror films like everyday. and we watch more than one movie a day. thats one of the things i am missing so much. and how i wish there's a place here in chicago where i could find pirated dvd movies that would only cost me 2 bucks each. oh Oriental city in brimley and sheppard, how i miss you.

catching up



ok, i know its early for todays recaps, but anyways, i havent written in a while so i think now is my chance. hmm, i finally got to talk to nice, bleigh and ryan on the phone. they never fail to inspire and make me happy. they are like my family and i love and miss them so much. i feel sad though most of the time. especially when i miss our good times together. i hope to see them soon. they are planning to go to MI to see the ambassadors. and im planning to go there too. now that they might go, i have more reason to let my trip push through. i havent talked to josh too in a long time too. not even one of the chozen people has news about him. i just hope that everything went well for him, and i hope his plans went well. im not sure when he is coming back though.


i dunno why i love my friends so much. sometimes i feel like its killing me. and sometimes i feel like i should move on. but move on for what? forget my friends? i cant just do that. thats one of the things i had to face everytime i go somewhere else and meet new friends. i always make good friends everywhere. but eventually i just have to leave them. and its not an easy thing to do. it may take a while for me to adjust. but i know one thing is for sure. true friends will always be true friends. no matter what distance that keeps us apart, true friends will always make a way. i dont like it when friendship fades because of distance. we can never turn back time, and we can never tell whats the future has in store for us. friends come and go, but as i said, true friends will stay. good times may be temporary, but memories can live forever.


the bottom line of this blog is i miss CHOZEN so much. =[

*photos by bleigh adap

remorse

i was looking forward this morning to the time that i have to go online and write somethin here. i want to write about the fun times i had so far this weekend. but right now, the excitement died out when me and my brother had an arguement about somethin thats not worth arguing for. he'll turn the smallest problem to somethin big. i dont like his temper. i often lose my patience. but i try to stay calm and say what i mean to say in the best possible way that i can. but it doesnt seem to help, he wont listen still. and that's really frustrating. sometimes i really dont know how to handle him anymore. but he's my brother, and it hurts me to see him this way, but it hurts me too to be treated without any respect. i feel so bad right now. to make it worst, i feel so bad of not picking up auntie maybelle from the train station. she asked me to pick her up at 9pm but for some reason i dint make it. i dont wanna blame her for not calling me, but she said she called home but no one answered. so i think, i should blame myself. im a failure today and i feel so bad about it. she had to walk more than a mile to get back home. i felt really sorry for her. i apologized to her already and she said its ok, but i still feel bad. because i know its not ok. but i cant do anything about it anymore. the last thing i wanna do is to put a person down. if only im a superhero.

in my life



There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

one of my fave song by the beatles. this reminds me of my life and everyone that became a part of it. im missin a lot of people right now. if only all of them could stay wit me forever, i will hold them tight and never let go...

partly sober thoughtfulness.


yey! its good to have a day off. well, i did work today but i took off early. and i have 3 days off. thats because i only work part time. i watched TV today. which is very unusual for me. i dont really watch TV here at home. the last time i watched TV for more than an hour was when i was still in tdot. and that's because im always wit friends and they love watchin TV. i only watched one show today though. for some reason, im proud of myself when i do that, i feel so normal. LOL.

i just finished exercising right now. doin that makes me happy. well kind of. studies says exercising produces endorphins and endorpins makes you happy, the term is runner's high. so i feel so high when im workin out. LOL, im bein silly. but yeah, it makes me feel good, especially if i see the changes in my body. but i still have a lot of work to do. but yeah, someday i'll get there.

*sigh*

i think i no longer have the runner's high. LOL. im having mixed feelings right now. part of me is bein unhappy. ive found out that tita onette's offer of sponsoring me to school in manila is no longer valid. she thought i wasnt interested anymore, so she offered it to someone else. i feel so dumb. maybe its not really supposed to be. another thing that depresses me is the thought of my friend ien. we used to be the bestest friend ever. but now, we dont even talk. i saw her friendster profile a while ago and i sent her a message. i hope she'll reply. i have to do somethin about it...

lots of thoughts. i have to stop bein melancholic and be HYPER forever. LOL.


"I am a big believer in the 'mirror test.' All that matters is if you can look in the mirror and honestly tell the person you see there, that you've done your best."
-- John McKay

the monday story
i was exploring my bro's computer today and i found out that he has a copy of my chorale music from different choirs in the philippines. im so happy! i left my original cd wit my friend madz in tdot. i love chorale music so much. it comforts me but sometimes it makes me homesick and it makes me miss chorale singing. i hope i'll get the call backs from CCA.

i dunno whats wit me nowadays, im having issues at home wit my stepmom but it doesnt seem to bother me now. i used to be an angry kid but now i feel like i have a more positive point of view. whenever i hear somethin bad from her, i just rub it off and ignore it. i dont want her affecting me and i wont allow her to ruin my life and my dreams anymore.

oh yeah, today was nice. work was ok, not that tiring and i think this is my best cashier job so far, no pressure, no yelling and no long lines. and my co workers are nice and friendly. i went home earlier from work today, it wasnt that busy so they dont need a lot of workers. but its all good since i got to lift weights and run around the neighborhood. i feel healthier! i dont get tired easily anymore. and i feel good and proud about it. before summer ends i want to have a better body, a healthier looking one, thats my goal. im tired of bein the skinny, anorexic looking guy. i have to stop dreamin of looking good, i have to wake up and do somethin. i dont want anymore insecurities. =P

hmm. what else, oh yeah, my dad and my sis are flyin to california tomorrow. im so jealous! ive been to cali just once and it was like years ago. i wanna come back there soon. man, i still have a list of states that i wanna visit. btw here's the list:

1. new york
2. california
3. florida
4. texas

oops, its not that many, but i wanna visit other countries too.

1. PHILIPPINES!!
2. canada
3. puerto rico
4. kenya
5. thailand
6. japan
7. korea.

but right now, its still impossible for me to do that. i still have to save money. but yeah, maybe someday. my priority right now is school. lol. im so random. just as the line from one of my fave song says:

"im not getting any younger, and before my dying day, i want space, not just air, let them laugh in my face i dont care, save a place, i'll be there"

but hey, im not goin to santa fe! LOL. =P

ok change topic. man, i talk a lot right now. whats up wit me? well maybe im inspired or what. i dont even know whats goin on. LOL.

random things happened to last weekend. hmm, but the most interesting was when an old friend of mine chatted wit me through yahoo messenger. he just popped out of nowhere, i actually deleted him in my friends list for some reason, but yeah, i might add him back again. LOL. i felt so weird and happy at the same time since the last time we talked was ages ago, and were not in good terms when we parted. but i hope were good now. i kinda miss him. and im glad that he talked to me. coz i feel like we still have some unfinished business. LOL. but anyways. it feels good. he still inspires me in someway. ^_*

eight.eight.eight.

friday! thank goodness. im super busy this week, i started workin on monday and i started business training school yesterday. saturday is my only day off now. im still gettin used to my new sched. NOW i miss bumming. LOL. but thats ok, atleast im productive =P

OMGSHH business training class was like the most boring class ive ever had. today was the second session and i fell asleep. it made me think that maybe this job is not for me, im not really into the financial thing, i dont like numbers, graphs, and i dont even know how insurance works. i was plannin not to go to class today but my brother was like mad at me and he gave me money just so i go to there. so i did went. but i was really bored, like SUPER BORED. and im really tired. i only had 5 hours of sleep last night. i had to wake up at 6 to prepare. my body is still adjusting i think. since i usually wake up around 11ish. LOL, what a bum.

i watched this movie today. i was so bored so i went to blockbuster. i was lookin for "feel good" movies but nothin tickled my fancy so i just went to IFC section. and i got this...




*sigh*

im so lonely right now. and im alone at home. my bro's still out wit friends, and aye is still in maryland. how i wish my friends are here. im bein so emo right now. just lookin at our "happy" photos crushes my heart. how pathetic. but yeah, i really miss my friends in toronto... but thats part of life. you can't have everything all at once.

oh yeah, today i got a phone call from oak park concert chorale and they wanna schedule me for audition. but i dunno how i would squeeze it in my tight sched. too bad. and today, i tried fixing the plants that i drove on two days ago. but i cant fix it coz they're dead. and i have no money to get new plants and fence. its gonna be fall soon anyway. hah! =P

tornado watch


today was my first day of work. its good to have a job after almost a year of bumming in canada. my work place was not bad at all, my co workers are nice and the management is not really strict compared to my ex-employers. i thought first day would be really tough but it was ok. i was just havin a hard time dealing with my allergies. and the sudden change of weather is not really good.

its raining so hard right now and its making me sad, i wish im wit my friends, or wit someone i could hug. OMGSHH im bein so emo. anywways, the news said there's a tornado goin on around chicago. i wanted to go get some movies at blockbuster but i dont like driving while its raining hard. and its not really a good idea to drive especially if the tornado watch is around your area. hah! hmm, so i was just browsing the net and reading some articles about vegetarian body building. i wanna know if its possible. here's an article i found somewhere in the net:

Vegetarian Bodybuilding: Is It Possible?


The word vegetarian is one that has become somewhat vague among the general population because too many people have inappropriately adopted it as a label for their lifestyle. For instance, I have personally known 3 types of "vegetarians" in my life: those who don't eat chicken, beef or pork (but will eat fish), those who don't eat meat of any kind, and people who won't eat anything that contains or is derived from animal sources.

Of these three definitions, the only one describing a true and sincere vegetarian is the last. This article is written for these people, so I am operating under the assumption that you are extremely sincere about not ingesting any and all animal products.

Adhering to a strict vegetarian diet takes work and conscious attention and building muscles takes work and conscious attention, so putting them together certainly doesn't make either one easier.

The first challenge goes back to the way muscles build in our bodies. To increase the amount of muscle mass and improve the tone of muscles, the body needs protein. Our body uses protein for repairing and building new muscles. The challenge is because the most common source of protein is meat and other animal products.

According to one system for measuring the protein in food, the Protein Digestibility Corrected Amino Acid Score, soy is equal to whey and superior to beef in protein content. Realistically, soy provides all 8 essential amino acids required for growing and repairing muscles. For the strict vegetarian, soy is an excellent option for getting the protein so desperately needed for building muscles.

In addition to protein, soy is also a fantastic source of glutamine which many bodybuilders already take in supplemental form, so soy is sort of a double-whammy for the bodybuilder.

Soy is available in many different forms and types, so you have many options. Low-fat tofu, tempeh, seitan, miso, textured soy protein, soy powder and soy milk. The soy milk is especially helpful because it can be utilized as a replacement for cow's milk in any recipe you come across.

Aside from protein, the vegetarian bodybuilder needs to work at ensuring they get enough quality fat. Almonds, sunflower seeds, walnuts, and pistachio nuts are all excellent sources of both protein and fat. You can also add a tablespoon or so of flaxseed oil, as flax seed is one of the very best sources for the essential fatty acid alpha linolenic acid.

With the protein and fat questions taken care of, we need to find suitable sources of vitamins. The meal-replacement shakes which are incredibly popular with bodybuilders tend to be bursting at the seams with many vitamins and minerals. You may have to hunt specifically for one containing B12, or find an additional B12 supplement, because vitamin B12 is only found in animal products.

With these three areas covered, you will have enough of the natural building blocks for creating and improving muscle mass and tone. Being a vegetarian bodybuilder isn't nearly as unlikely as it may sound at first.

so yeah, im tryin to gain muscles and im wonderin if i could do it even if i dont eat meat. so i think its possible. but it would need extra effort to reach my goal of bulking up. i cant wait to go to the gym, but i still have to work on my schedule since im working fulltime right now and im also having classes for primerica. hmm, i think i should just wait and do some exercises at home for a while.

i think this is all for now. i have no more story to tell =P

CCA auditions


today, i went downtown chicago for my audition. i had to walk to the train station and its super hot outside, its like im in manila. so yeah, i got there an hour early for the next train to come. i was bored and i realized that i dint have my breakfast yet. i was starving and sweating like crazy. finally the train comes and it was an express. there were a lot of people goin downtown to see lollapalooza somethin. i dont really know what that is. and again i was an hour early so i just hanged out at mcdonalds and got somethin to eat. then after that i tried to follow the directions i got online, but i think its not working for me so i just asked someone for directions. good thing the guy i asked was goin to the same place where im goin, i thought he's gonna be auditioning too.

the audition was ok. i think i did well. but i dunno if i'll get the call back. it took i think 15 minutes. the director made me do some vocalizations. i thought i know everything already but he made me do somethin that im not really used. but what surprised me was when he made me sight read some latin music. i never thought that i can be good in sight reading. i think thats the best part of the audition coz i was amazed with myself. hah! the last part is for me to sing one song. i did an a cappella of moonriver. singing a cappella by myself makes me uncomfortable. i can say that it wasnt my best singing. but i think i did ok, but i kinda lose the quality of my voice at the ending. the director thinks the key i chose was low so he made me sing it again at a higher register. and i think i sounded better. =P so yeah, thats it. i just have to wait for the results. i'll just hope for the best and see if i'll get the call backs. hmm, but what ever the result is, i would be happy. coz i know i did my best and for me, thats what matters most^^

after the audition i went straight back to union station but the train leaves at 4:30 so i have more than an hour to wait. so i just went out and sit somewhere for a while. and there's this guy who came to me and asked me for a single. man, this weird but almost everytime i go downtown, there's always someone asking me for money and telling me the same story that they have to catch a trip and they dont have enough money to buy tickets blah blah. i gave him a dollar. who know, they might be an angel in disguise. LOL. yeah whatever. hmm, and oh yeah, while i was sittin there by the entrance, i saw the two lesbians i used to hang out wit. i dunno why, but i just hurried and took my sun glasses and wear it. LOL. i dont want them to see me. and im not usually like that. but anyways, OMGSHH theyre still together. maybe they got married. but thats not my business. LOL.

hmmm so finally after waiting for a million years, the train was ready to leave. then i got home but unfortunately no one's home and i dont have a key. so i went to subway to get somethin to eat. i could have just stayed outside the house and wait but i was really hungry and it was hot and my back hurts so bad. it was torture.

so thats my lil story of my trip. i have to sleep now. first day of work tomorrow. yikes.

just thoughts

its past 1:00am, and its already sunday, still im not yet sleeping, i just finished watching ma mere, a french film i got from blockbuster. its saturday night and i got nothin to do. so yup, i ended up renting a movie. im starting to get use to this kind of life again, stay at home, limited time wit friends, looking for somethin to entertain myself. very different from my life in canada. i was never alone, always surounded by friends. im practically married to my friends. hah! we do almost everything together. i miss them so much =[

hmmm... i went to church earlier today. i found out that my friend Iris is goin to puerto rico for school. i was a lil sad. i dont like it when friends leave. but she's comin back this christmas break though. we took some photos before i went home from church. then later, i went to the grocery where one of my friend hooked me up a job. the place looks weird, and small. i dunno, it kinda freaked me out. i think its gonna be my weirdest workplace ever. but i think belinda, the head cashier, is nice. she's kinda old but she's the "fashionista" type. she's blond and she has a funky hairstyle and funky outfit. so yup, i'll be starting work this monday. im not that excited. weird.

anyways, i have to go to bed now. i'll still be having my audition later today. oh yeah, here's one of the photo i took of iris..

side track



just side tracking, finally i get to post the photos from last sunday, it was Mr. Koch's birthday. we went at some park in hinsdale to have a barbecue. we played soccer and some card games. this is a very late post. LOL.